Life's Gonna Suck
by beanpaste-chan
Summary: The young'uns ask a question, Iggy answers in song form, and Fang is scarred for life. My first songfic! Rated T for cursing and mature themes.


I'm not James "Jimmeh" Patterson, so I don't own Maximum Ride. I don't own Dennis Leary, either. I love this song, and it's just perfect for Maximum Ride, so I made a songfic! Yays!

* * *

Angel, the Gasman, and Nudge walked up to Max.

"Max," Angel asked, "what's life gonna be like when we grow up?"

Max shrugged. "I... don't really know. Go ask Fang, he'd know."

"Faaaang," asked Nudge in her most persuading voice, making puppy-dog eyes. "What's life gonna be like when we grow up?"

He looked up from his laptop. "What? Why do you want to know this?" he asked in an irritated-bored voice. "Go ask Max."

"But we already asked her," said Gazzy. "We wanna know!"

Fang sighed. "I hate to say this, but go ask Iggy. In fact, I'll go with you, just to make sure he tells you."

"Yay!" said the young'uns.

"Iggy," said Angel, Nudge, and Gazzy. "What's life gonna be like when we grow up?"

Iggy made a somewhat annoyed face. "Why the hell do you wanna know this? Go ask Fang or Max."

"We wanna know because we're concerned for our future. We already asked Fang and Max, and they're here. Tell us."

Iggy made a really P.O.'d face. "Fine, if you really wanna know. I had the foresight to know something like this would happen, so I prepared a song montage and drew some nice pictures of my willing victim, Fang."

"Huh? What the hell?" said Fang.

"Are you ready? Okay, Robert, start the music."

Heavy-metal guitars started, but then faded out.

Iggy spoke incredibly quickly. "This is all thanks to Dennis Leary. I do not own Dennis Leary, or anybody else who sang or wrote this song. I am not associated in any way with Mr. Leary, and if he sues me I will be very pissed." He started singing.

_"Life's gonna suck when you grow up, when you grow up, when you grow up! Life's gonna suck when you grow up, it sucks pretty bad right now._

_Hey, if you know the words, sing along!"_

He held up, in succession, of Fang mowing a lawn, doing the dishes, and making a bed.

_"You're gonna have to mow the lawn, do the dishes, make your bed. _

_You're gonna have to go to school until you're seventeen."_

He held up a picture of Fang in a Japanese schoolgirl uniform.

"What the hell??" shrieked Fang.

_"It's gonna seem about three times as long as that."_

Iggy held up a picture of Fang in an army uniform, brandishing a laser cannon.

_"You might have to go to war,_

_Shoot a gun,_

_Kill a nun,"  
_(Here he held up a picture of Ari in a nun's outfit.)

_"You might have to go to war when you get out of school! _

_Hey, cheer up kids, it gets a lot worse."_

He held up a picture of Fang tearing out his luxurious emo-boy hair.

_"You're gonna have to deal with stress, deal with stress, deal with stress._

_You're gonna be a giant mess when you get back from the war._

_Santa Claus does not exist,_

_And there's no Easter Bunny._

(He held up a picture of Fang in a Playboy Bunny outfit.)

_You'll find out when you grow up that Big Bird isn't funny!_

_Funny!_

_Funny!_

_Funny!_

_Mwa ha ha ha ha!_

"Where did all the extra voices come from?" inquired Max, scratching her head.

_"Life's gonna suck when you grow up, when you grow up, when you grow up._

_Life's gonna suck when you grow up, it sucks pretty bad right now!"_

Iggy held up a picture of Fang looking very messed up, in tattered clothing and with hollows and wrinkles in his lovely olive-skinned face.

_"You're gonna end up smoking crack_

_On your back_

_Face the fact. _

_You're gonna end up hooked on smack and then you're gonna die!"_

Kind of cute trumpet-like music played the chorus tune, then Iggy finished.

_"And then you're gonna die-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay!"_

He held up a picture of a sad little tombstone that said 'R.I.P. Fang.' The song ended, and applause seemingly came out of nowhere.

"What... the hell?" Asked Max. "What the frickin' hell was that? Do you wanna scar them for life?"

"What, they're not already?" muttered Iggy in a condescending voice.

Fang looked nonchalant, but inside, he was thinking: _I'm gonna die? My fans won't let that happen, will they? You won't let that happen, will you, James "Jimmeh" Patterson? Please don't kill me... _He assumed a dejected pose very much like a well-known host club king we all know and love.

"Fang, are you... okay?" asked Nudge.

"I'm fine," he muttered. "Just reflecting on my life before James "Jimmeh" Patterson kills me off..."

"You know, that wasn't scarring at all," said Gazzy.

"Oh look, there's a dead squirrel outside," Angel said excitedly. She looked at Gazzy. "Do you wanna go poke it with a stick?"

"Okiedokie."

They left, leaving Iggy looking very smug, Fang sitting in a corner, sobbing, Nudge trying to comfort him, and Max muttering to herself: "Why was Ari a nun?"

* * *

How was it? Was it good? Was it bad?

Review!!! My Hellbunny... commands you! Please?


End file.
